Saying yes to our messy, imperfect lives

Well hello there, thanks for stopping by.

Welcome to issue one of ADHD & Me, an as yet ill-defined newsletter that will likely include musings about late diagnosed ADHD, interesting things I’ve learnt about ADHD and a bunch of other marginally relevant stuff I’ve encountered.

Oh, and some random tidbits, like: 

Did you know that Ernest Hemingway probably had ADHD? 

Me neither. And, tbf, that’s a bit of a stretch but I heard somewhere that he said:

“The best way to write a book is to clean your refrigerator.”

So, yeah, sounds pretty ADHD to me.

And there it is, dear readers, my first digression. Welcome to my brain.

Let’s get on with it, shall we.

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Part 1: Personal musings

Learning I have ADHD made me more ADHD. Is that a thing?

It wasn’t that long ago that I didn't know I had ADHD. In fact I was crying to my friend, worrying that I’d somehow made up that I may have ADHD. Apparently I spent some two plus years pondering about my possible neurodivergence, put myself through hell and back ruminating and neurosing (that’s a word I just made up to mean ‘being neurotic), spent money I don’t really have (impulsive much?) and took a bunch of dehumanising psychological tests all just to pretend. To what end, who the hell knows. The point is I was, to my mind, a mere ADHD imposter. 

When I reflect, I think it’s because I have a real bee in my bonnet about taking responsibility. As a therapist who’s had a lot of therapy, I can’t stand the idea that I might be somehow making excuses for my behaviour instead of owning it.

And yet as soon as the (wonderful, btw) psychiatrist told me ‘I’m 100% confident you have ADHD’, it just made so much sense. And that ‘frightened of making excuses’ voice could, perhaps, be chalked up to a lifetime of executive dysfunction. For me that’s meant that I can sometimes reeeeally struggle to do things. Especially if they’re boring. Because ADHD is firmly interest based. Give me a task I’m fascinated by (or am under pressure to complete) and I’ll knock it out of the park.

But boring, but necessary stuff (clean the fridge? Oh hell no) and it takes A LOT to get there. Sometimes I won’t get there at all.  And that’s sometimes ended up with people calling me lazy, or depressed. Or commenting on my unfulfilled potential. The subtext often being ‘if you just tried harder’. But I’m nothing if not a trier. And oftentimes the accusation that I’m not, that I’m just being lazy, has made me really sad. Depressed even. Because I really did want to be a good girl and do all the things I ‘should’. I just couldn’t. So I internalised those voices and spent a lot of time telling myself I’m just lazy or useless or weird or antisocial or, the worst and hardest to shake - just plain broken.

Anyway, I’ve digressed again. What I really came here to say is that, curiously, since I’ve been officially diagnosed, I somehow seem ‘more ADHD’. I’ve hyper fixated a bunch of times. I keep wandering into rooms and forgetting why I’m there, I can feel my thoughts racing at 100 miles an hour and I found my keys IN THE FRIDGE the other day.

And yet, after years of feeling somehow ‘wrong’ or ‘broken’, the overwhelming emotion I’ve experienced since getting my ADHD AF badge (I really wish that was a real thing), is relief. That lazy-flavoured shame has taken a holiday and I'm just allowing myself to be what I am. Now I have a better awareness of why my brain does what it does, I can work with it, instead of fighting against it.

I wonder, have I suddenly unmasked (masking being the, often unconscious, hiding of ADHD symptoms to fit into societal norms) or have I just started noticing things about myself that have always been the case? In psychosynthesis - the therapy model in which I’m trained - we call this ‘disidentification’ - the process of becoming aware of something that you were previously unaware of and, thus, had you in its grips. So maybe I’m just seeing what’s always been obvious to everyone else.

Either way, I’m super grateful for this new jigsaw piece of my life and the understanding and self-acceptance it’s already afforded me. And that, dear readers, is why labels can be super helpful to some people.

I’d love to hear your experiences. Did your ADHD get ‘louder’ once you put a name to it? Is that a thing?

Part 2: Things I’ve learnt about ADHD

When feelings replace thoughts as a coping mechanism

I’ve started reading Your Brain’s Not Broken by Tamara Rosier. Usually I can’t read a non-fiction book cover to cover but I suspect I may just get through this one because I’m captivated (I’ll let you know in issue 2!). Here’s me paraphrasing the passage that got me absolutely hooked:

In a neurotypical brain the prefrontal cortex (PFC) (the bit that lives behind your forehead) operates a bit like an air traffic controller. It’s in charge of executive functioning, which includes things like planning, short term memory, decision making and impulse control. The air traffic controller will let you know to pick up your keys before you leave the house, or when to leave home to make an appointment in time. In some ADHD brains this air traffic controller is AWOL and here's where, to my mind, it gets really interesting… Without the PFC to rely on, ADHDers rely on the emotional centres to remember things, make decisions and motivate themselves. So rather than a calm, together air traffic controller, they have something akin to an angry neighbour, hanging around outside, in the emotional centre, shaming and threatening when the air traffic controller is overwhelmed and can’t do his thing. Instead of a cheery ‘grab your keys’, they’ll use a more emotive ‘don’t forget your keys again you idiot’. So daily tasks that don’t commonly elicit emotional reactions become emotional. And that’s needed to ‘help’ those with ADHD remember.

So, TL;DR, oftentimes those with ADHD have subconsciously learnt to FEEL ALL THE THINGS as a way to function, in lieu of a differently wired PFC.

Aaaand my life suddenly makes sense! 

But here’s the thing. While ADHD brains are impressively resilient, learning to adapt in this way comes at huge cost. I had years of therapy to help deal with the shame that came with unknowingly trying to survive as a neurodivergent in a neurotypical world and feeling all the things, all the time is utterly exhausting and can often lead to burn out.

Therapy was crucial for me to learn to accept myself but for those who don’t feel ready, simply don’t want to or don’t have the means/privilege I highly recommend the book Radical Acceptance. Author Tara Brach is psychotherapist and meditation teacher and draws on her unique blend of expertise to help us shift out of the ‘trance of unworthiness’. While she isn’t speaking specifically to neurodivergence, I think this is something many of us ADHDers are all too familiar with.

“There is something wonderfully bold and liberating about saying yes to our entire imperfect and messy life.”

Or, in modern parlance:

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And talking of acceptance, you may also like this Ted Talk by the glorious Jessica McCabe. Fair warning though, get ready to ugly cry at the relief of feeling so seen.

Failing at Normal: An ADHD Success Story

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Part 3: Interesting things I’ve discovered

Fuck the To-Do list, what you need is a Ta-Da list!

Ok, well maybe don’t sack off the to-do list entirely but I recently discovered the Ta-Da list and what a breath of fresh air it was. One late afternoon I was stuck in a reddit scrolling, dopamine seeking vortex for some amount of time (because what even is time to us ADHDers?) when the shameful voice I mentioned earlier crept in. 

‘Do something productive you lazy waste of space’ he whispered sinisterly into my consciousness (huh, apparently he’s a he, who knew). Not long after I stumbled across a post mentioning the Ta-Da list. The Ta-Da list is a list of everything you’ve managed to accomplish so far that day. 

Once I’d done that my shame was forced to take a hike and STFU because, as it turned out, I’d done really rather a lot.

Take THAT shame monster!

Now don’t get me wrong, I believe there’s more to life than being productive and I am sooo not about productivity shaming. But on those days when the productivity monster is being an absolute twat, the Ta-Da list can give you a little respite from his evil clutches because the chances are, you’ve accomplished much more than his mean little voice would have you believe.

Those boots are made for…cleaning

If you’re anything like me then the first thing you do when you get home is kick off your shoes. And that’s why this absolute Reddit gem made so much sense to me.

You might also like:

This super supportive Reddit community for women with ADHD.

This new(ish) podcast by 2 (delightful) neighbours who were both diagnosed with ADHD aged 38.

And that, as they say, is a wrap! If you enjoyed reading the ADHD & Me newsletter then please consider sharing it. And if there’s something you’d like me to talk about or explore then drop me a line at adhdandme@substack.com.

Until next time, folks. Keep it (neuro)spicy!

Love,

Jess x