On the shame that comes with shoulding yourself

When I got diagnosed with ADHD last year it came with a big ol’ muddled rush of emotions. Relief, grief, anger, shame and probably a whole bunch of other ones that I couldn’t identify (because trouble identifying feelings can be common in us ADHDers). 

At the forefront, at that time, was a kind of excitement. I had found a huge piece of the jigsaw puzzle that is my identity. My special interest is, and always has been, understanding human behaviour (likely a projection of not really understanding myself) and this gave me a big juicy nugget of information to learn about, digest and process (i.e., new hyperfixation alert!)

So I did a very ADHD thing - within a few days I had planned, penned and published my first ever newsletter. I vowed to write consistently. As a therapist with a pretty good grasp on how to human, I would offer up wise words and handy tips. The wounded healer inside me would be helpful to others getting to grips with their own ADHD identity.

And so I did. For a while. A very short while. After publishing two editions, I went underground. And I have remained there since September last year.

Ohhhh the shaaaaaaaame! I posted about my new endeavour relentlessly on all my social accounts. Showed off to friends and family - ‘look! I did a thing!’. I was proud, excited and driven by a huge dollop of dopamine at this exciting new discovery.

So what went wrong?

I started shoulding myself.

Here’s what some of those shoulds sounded like:

• Your newsletter should have a beautiful logo

• Your newsletter should be useful

• You should understand everything about ADHD before you talk about it

• You should write and publish consistently, at least every fortnight, and at the same time and on the same day

• Your newsletter should have a consistent structure

As these shoulds kept mounting they started to feel like pressure. And as the pressure built, the shame set in. Here’s some of what the shame was whispering, insidiously, in my ear:

• You’ve failed

• You never finish what you start

• Who the hell do you think you are anyway? 

• You don’t know what you’re talking about

• You’re letting people down

• Your ramblings are just that - unintelligible gibberish. Useless to all but you

I could go on but the shame doesn’t need to be fueled.

I did want to share with y’all though as I think this is probably quite a common ADHD experience. Hell I mean it’s probably a common human experience. 

But as I wrangle with trying to understand what ADHD actually is (my current hypothesis being that it’s some combination of intergenerational trauma, neurodevelopmental differences and trauma from being held to neurotypical standards) one thing seems pretty clear to me; the reason people fit into certain categories is not because they have experiences that are necessarily different from other people but because of the extent to which these experiences cause distress. Because of what they cost.

So if we go back to ‘shoulds’ - we all have ‘em. Some common examples might be:

• You should be in a relationship

• You should have a good job

• You should be positive

• You should get married

• You should be cisgender

And on and on they go.

These ‘shoulds’ come from all kinds of places - our parents and families, our friends, teachers, celebrities, the media and whatever the current zeitgeist is selling us in the way of values and virtues.

If you happen to want these things then great! But what if you don’t? Worst still, what if, for whatever reason, you can’t?

When I originally set up my newsletter I shoulded myself in a bunch of ways that I neither wanted, nor were actually possible. How was I to write every fortnight when I was just about to move house and was in the midst of setting up my own business? And why had I convinced myself that my newsletter had to be structured, useful, consistent?

Because these are some of the neurotypical ‘shoulds’ I had internalised.

These are messages I’ve grown up with my whole life. ‘If you don’t meet this arbitrary but dominant set of standards then you’re not good enough. There must be something wrong with you.’

Thankfully I have a strong inner rebel and a healthy (I think) skepticism about hierarchy and authority. So as soon as I cottoned on to what was going on in the recesses of my mind I  thought to myself ‘why the fuck do I have to do this any way but the way that feels right to me’?

And so that’s what I’m doing right now. Rambling freely. Beyond a quick spell check this piece won’t get edited. Because I hate editing. It’s boring and it’s a massive barrier to me actually publishing anything. Better published than polished, I reckon.

But it’s taken me a long time to start to learn to accept myself. To get to grips with and notice the shoulds that police my psyche - oftentimes still unbeknownst to me. It’s taken me a long time to recognise that feeling ashamed of not being able to do things in a randomly prescribed way is the thing that often keeps me stuck on the sofa, doom scrolling in a pit of despair, despite wanting to do so many other things. 

Other people may understand this phenomenon as ‘executive dysfunction’ - the thing that one of my clients once described as ‘going into standby mode’. Neuroscience says this is just how us ADHD peeps are wired and talk about poor dopamine regulation in the brain. And that may well be part of the picture. But neuroscience also teaches us that neural pathways are ‘rewireable’ and I do wonder if processing the shame that comes with not operating in the ways we‘ve somehow come to believe we should (i.e. internalised ableism) is a part of learning to find ways to work with our ADHD in a way that helps us thrive.

For me, right now, that looks like publishing a big ol’ ramble because that is how I get to ship this thing and avoid sitting in shame any longer. It also looks like going to bed and waking up late and working the hours I know work with my biology. It looks like allowing myself to forgo big meals for a billion snacks. To write lists of what the hell is in my freezer less I forget I ever bought it. To say no to socialising sometimes because I just don’t want to. To arrange my clothes in a certain way because if I do it ‘normally’ then I forget they exist and wear the same thing over and over.

If you want to get to grips with the shoulds getting in your way then you could start by writing a list of those rattling around in your brain. Or you could think about which tasks you’re telling yourself you need to do before you get stuck on the sofa for hours on end. Is it possible that it’s not the task itself that feels impossible but the prescribed way in which you ‘should’ be approaching said task?

I’m on a mission to shine a spotlight on my ‘shoulds’ so I can notice when they’re causing me to feel stuck. From there I’ll find my own way of doing things. Because really ‘shoulds’ are just ‘coulds’.

Ah shit. I just checked my word count. This post is too long, right? It should be fewer than 1000 words, shouldn’t it? I’m sure I read that on some marketing gumph somewhere. Aaaargh, nobody will read it. They’ll all hate it. I’m a failure…

NO. WAIT!!! This post could be fewer than 1000 words. Then again, it could be longer. Because who gets to decide that anyway?

Find your own way. 

Fuck the shoulds.